The Words I Couldn't Come Up with Myself.

i have climbed highest mountains. i want to feel sunlight on my face. we're beaten and blown by the wind. my hands are tied, nothing to win, nothing left to lose. i have held the hand of the devil. how long to sing this song? how long? i wait for you. you give it All, but i want more. i still havent found what im looking for.

we have hurt each other, and then we do it again. and i can't be holding on to what you got, when all you got is hurt. i can't close my eyes and make it go away.

i believe in the kingdom come. well yes, but im still running.

i reached out for the one i tried to destroy. i can't live, with or without you. take this soul and make it sing.

"listen to me now, i need to let you know, you don't have to go it alone. i dont want to see you cry. I wipe your tears away.
i'll show you a place where the streets have no name."

grace finds beauty in everything.

what once hurt, no longer stings. i'm still waiting for the dawn. i will sing, sing a new song. i will be with you again. walk on.

This is love

This is my lovely little sister and myself while stranded somewhere between richmond and virginia beach. Our car had broken down, so we decided to have fun with the camera. Can i please just say that if I was to ever be stranded anywhere ever again, may it please be with her. I love how something like breaking down in the wretchedly-hot, humid-intensive conditions doesn't seem to get either of us mad or give us reason to be stressed. She is so unhindered by the strain or anxiety of life. I am pretty sure she is my favorite person in the whole world. All of this, AND she's beautiful. Yes, it's true, I adore her.

my own divorce

I honestly believe that one of the saddest visions I have ever beheld is an image of the great Divorce, whether it be in my own life, or in the lives of those around me. It is simply devastating. The great Divorce is the place where our greatest desires and our greatest failures collide to form a vast chasm, unconquerable by human measures. The great Divorce is the place where you try and you try and you try, and you give so much, and you get nothing in return. The great Divorce is the place where you cannot love because you do not know love or have love. The great Divorce is seeing everything fall apart and being left feeling completely and utterly hopeless. It is loneliness. It is insecurity.

These glimpses of this Great Divorce, are what I think, to be glimpses of what hell would look like. Maybe there will be flames and snakes and skeletons, but that seems a little much and only physical pain. I think it would look alot like earth now, however, devoid of any sort of hope and filled with emotional and mental anguish. It would be you, alone, without any concept of reconciliation, without any idea of love. You would try so hard, and never be satisfied. You would never be fulfilled and you would live life in misery. With every minute passing, you would find yourself deeper and deeper into your isolation. Your desires would have no way of becoming reality. The Great Divorce, my friends.

"And every state of mind, left to itself, every shutting up of the creature within the dungeon of its own mind- is, in the end, Hell. But Heaven is not a state of mind. Heaven is reality itself. All that is fully real is Heavenly. For all that can be shaken will be shaken and only the unshakeable remains." [lewis]

So when your world is shaken loose and everything you know falls apart, what remains determines whether you have conquered the Great Divorce. You will know it. God will either be there, or He won't. He will either be there waiting for you, or not, because you have not let Him hold you. Because the Only Way to cross the Divorce, is to know what it's like to be in love. To be in love with the One who forms Love, defines Love, and bestows Love.

I've seen the Divorce in my life recently and it makes me incredibly distraught. And over the past few weeks, I thought I had been living in the divide, this vast canyon, but I was wrong. So much of what I was holding on to so tight was released from my grip and I thought I had nothing. But the more I look around, the more I realize what is Real is still with me:
The Cross.
Grace.
Love.
Christ.

And when we glimpse the Divorce in our lives, maybe we need to hear the words of Christ say to us, "You are hurting, I know, I am hurting for you. You feel alone, but you are not, I am with you. You feel like you have lost much, but you must understand, I need you to be happy in Me alone. You need to understand deep down that all you need is Me." I heard this the other day. It's not easy to grasp, but I am so assured of it's truth, that to deny it or toss it aside, would be to throw away my very breath.

He is good, I tell you, very very Good.

and you give yourself away, and you give, and you give

Over the course of a few days, my wholly emotional, yet tragically fragile, self was drained completely dry. I was completely oblivious to the fact that I could feel so utterly empty. Like the ruptured wattle bottle that lost its identity as its water swiftly flowed to the ground. All I am used to, all that I know myself for, all of my messy, emotional self, fled me with every harsh word spoken, every pain-bearing comment muttered, every tear shed. I feel so dead.

A funeral, for God-sakes, a funeral....and I laughed. Not a tinge of sadness or compassion. What has happened?

Usually there's an uplifting ending to the story, a "I will be happily ever after." But not this time. There is nothing, still. Usually there is a "God met me in this broken place." Today that is a lie. The words cannot leave my lips without thinking, "No, no, thats not true. I feel incredibly alone. I feel Him no where. I feel no life."

I am searching for You in the rubble, and in the war, and in the struggle, and I am not finding any trace of You. Where are You? You are supposed to never leave me. You were supposed to give me yourself, YOU. YOU were supposed to breathe in me, restore me. Please come. Please.

I have never felt so much like a stranger to myself.

you don't have to go it alone

Insert U2 lyrics from any of the following to understand where I am right now:

Yahweh
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own
Where the Streets Have No Name
Grace
With or Without You
40

worlds apart.

If only you could step into my heart right now, I would paint you the most magnificent portrayal of sorrow, hurt, trauma, strength, grace, and love. But I have not the words to express it or the skills to paint it. Thus I must continue on knowing that what is going on is something unfathomable to my mind, something inexpressible by my lips, and utterly uncontainable in my heart. I'm spilling forth, full of breath, yet it is the deep breath filled with hurt and aching with incomprehensible love. It is the breath of knowing I feel, knowing I am broken, knowing I am alive.