floors collapsing, falling.

Vaclav Havel once said, “the deeper the experience of an absence of meaning- in other words, of absurdity- the more energetically meaning is sought; without a vital struggle with the experience of absurdity, there would be nothing to reach for; without a profound inner longing for sense, there could not then be any wounding by nonsense.” So here we are, in a world where my best friend’s mom has a sudden heart attack, where there are genocides of innocents, where there are senseless massacres of my peers, and we are left reeling, our minds spinning, our hearts in the throes of confusion and misery, wandering through the absolute, utter absurdity of it all.

All of this seems so arbitrary, so undeserved. Whether it be places we are born into, or the accidents that befall us, or the injustices laid against us, these indiscriminate actions and environments propel us into discovering ourselves, hunting for meaning and truth, and a quest for foundational standards, some sort of rhythm that the world should be moving in time with. We are thrust into finding something to exist for.

Who we are now, is only because of who we have been, what we have experienced. Our future is inextricably tangled in our past, and our present is a proverbial collision of the two. What has happened to me, and what is happening to me, are giving light to the potential that my life holds. For as Jonathan Safran Foer so poignantly reminds us, “Our futures are illuminated by our past.”

So all these painful, somewhat tortuous experiences push us to look further. If we do not look further, this horrific, random life inevitable becomes a perpetual delay of suicide. Our days become our battles, and decisions are no longer at face value, but are taken as giving of life and reason and motivation, or they are nothing, empty in a sea of senselessness. We must start, not to just tell ourselves, but to believe wholeheartedly, that life is worth more than aimless meandering, sorrow filled hearts, and vacant stares.

So where do we go? We must give reason for the deferral of our hopelessness. If we take the introspective route, we will undoubtedly be terribly disappointed. We will find nothing more than earthly hurt, tainted intentions, a complete lack of strength, and a surplus of apathy. There is no possible way we, on our own, can bring ourselves back to meaning.

Thus, we must move outward, outside of ourselves. And while I was walking around my strangely eerie campus today, thoughts of Tech racing through my head, I was thinking how nice Deism looked. The idea that a God made us, created us, formed this perfectly crafted world, and let us go, and let us ruin it all. It made so much sense for the moment. Life in that minute had seemed too absurd for a God to be able to care. He must be distant. He cannot be a close God, because he wouldn’t let us ruin life like this.

But Deism still gives no hope, it gives reasoning, but it doesn’t defer our deaths. If anything, it would encourage it, succumbing to this harsh world which is spiraling out of our control.

Out of all the religions however, the ever enigmatic Jesus figure has a foundation no one else has: a history in overcoming the orchestration of life’s absurdity. Dostoyevsky made the argument through Ivan and Alyosha’s interactions in The Brother’s Karamozov, that the faith of the Christian is founded on an injustice: that the death of Christ was nothing but an innocent man being punished for all of our faults and transgressions. The crucifixion of Christ was absurdity at its basest: innocence, injustice, senseless, aching pain. Ivan tried to use this argument as Christianity’s downfall, for we are founding “its edifice on [his] unavenged tears.”

But what Ivan is missing, is that Christ wrapped these two worlds in himself, the spiritual and the physical, the pure and the absurd, and he proved to overcome them both. I find comfort in that, that God has not forgotten or that God does not sympathize with the haphazard acts of this life.

There is love and meaning and redemption behind it all. Yes, life is absurd. It is senseless and tragic at times, and it leaves us spinning, sometimes into apathy or overwhelming pain. But there is hope to suspend our desperation, our grief, and our tragedies. And there is a God who not only sees this absurdity but has chosen to step into it, and defy it.

It is now only up to us if we are willing to accept, to believe, to act on this, whether in our joy and happiness, our mundane and mediocre, or our tragedy and pain. Its either this, or be swallowed in our own insufficiencies, or our own abyss of hurt.

“here i raise my ebeneezer,
hither by thy help i come
oh and i hope by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.”

beaten and blown by the wind

Someone once asked Bono:

"How do you dismantle an atomic bomb?"



His response?

"Love, Love, Love."


'...thats all ye know on earth
and all ye need to know....'

To Walk On

Now I am looking forward to what is to come. This meaning that I am looking forward to the end of this semester. Do not get me wrong, this semester has been so fun, much more enjoyable than I ever expected. There have been many great movies watched, many great trips to Richmond, many amazing experiences that I would not give anything to replace; but we are entering that time where we have been living in the same tiny room with our same roommate enduring the same dorm life accomodations for about eight months now, going between mediocre class to completely lame class, eating nothing but campus food for every meal of the day (which could definitely be worse at other schools, we do have amazing dining facilities), being surrounded by dozens of people ... I guess all my angst can be attributed to the fact that there seems to be no escape in college. At least no escape when you are living on campus. Maybe things will become a bit more realistic next year...

Oh next year. Where I will be living in a lovely old house, where I will have a room to my self (which is quite the feat considering that there are 9 girls living there), where I will be learning how to study and honing my work ethic under the strain of a 17 credit semester, a full schedule at work, various commitments to organizations, and even possibly, if I'm lucky, a social life. What on earth am I thinking? I am not, however I do know I am beyond happy to be reunited with my friends next semester. Everything else will be put on the back-burner just so I can spend time with them.

But this summer, oh this summer. I finally have secured myself a job and put my parents at rest. Even though I will be getting paid next to nothing, who really cares? I sure don't. I will be spending my time at Hope Church as a youth intern, working under the likes of a man whom I have only dreamt of working under since I was in 7th grade, and working with other interns who I cannot wait to get to know better, and the rest of the staff of Hope who I admire and love dearly.

This choice of vocation for the summer has left me with quite a bit of freedom, including a few weeks after I get out of school and when I start work to do whatever my heart pleases. This may include spending copious amounts of time with family, taking out a loan from my dad and coming back to Prague for a few days, road tripping...somewhere, or maybe just reading and babysitting and enjoying Richmond, or maybe just spend a week in the mountains, camping and hiking and exploring. Anybody want to go backpacking for a week? Because I am in the market for a friend who can go without showering for a week and loves to sleep in a sleeping bag on hard ground and knows the fundamentals of how to start a fire. Ha, I am kidding...or am I...?

But whatever happens, I am excited. This summer has a lot in store, and I think I am in for being a part of something great. The people at Hope have had an indeilible mark on my life, and while I feel that I can never measure up, I am at least given the oppurtunity to work with them, to live and pray and walk amoungst these people.

Oh goodness, I cannot wait.