Fine, just like the last time.

I saw this guy:




and this guy:



at a concert in Charlottesville...on a school night...when I had an exam the next day....

And it was perfect. The most perfect concert I've ever been too. And that's saying alot.

I had started out having a pretty rotten week. I was really down about some relationships and frustrated with life and christians and being social, and what do I do when I get down? If you know me at all, you know I brew some coffee and watch my U2 dvd. Well I did just that, and at the part of the show when an uncontrollable smile usually breaks through my rough exterior, I found myself just crying. But I was just sad. And then I became mad that Bono and the boys weren't doing their job. They weren't making me feel better. So I was bitter for the next 24 hours until my close friend coerced me into going to a Matt Wertz and Rob Blackledge concert. After much hesitation I decided I would go.

Maybe it was the people I went with. Maybe it was just fun. Or maybe music really can heal a person. So there I stood at the show, watching this quite goofy, yet incredibly charming and endearing guitarist with floppy hair and a mouth too big for his face, singing these songs drenched in his soul filled voice, and I just thought, this is perfect. Just perfect. I mean, Rob's fingers smoothly gliding over the piano keys, feeling at home with the people I was with, dancing off beat, having a wave of rhythm crash over me, and singing along to all the songs I knew. I was so inexplicably happy. Music, concerts especially, make you forget about all the junk life brings with it.

And to make everything even that much better, during Matt's encore, the last song he played [Red meets Blue] while being backed just by an electric and an acoustic guitar, he diverged into a rendition of "One," by none other than U2. And everyone was singing along. It blew my mind. It was as if, just because they didn't seem to cheer me up all the way the day before, God was reminding me that He still uses that band to guide me through tough times. And maybe you think I am crazy for saying that, but its true. If you want to debate it, go for it. But I find God's comfort in music, especially in U2.

All that being said, it was perfect. The best choice I have made in a long time.

Your Hand in Mine.

Currently Listening: Explosions in the Sky
[This pretty much sums up my mood right now. If you haven't listened to Explosions, then I am sorry but I cannot convey how I feel. It can only be done by letting their smooth melodies, musical masterpieces, and innovative genious pervade your cluttered head and sweep it clean. Yes, that is my mood and that's how I have felt all weekend. Not a bad feeling really. A bit comforting, a bit exciting, but "hinting at an [stream] of melancholy just below the surface." All that to say, I give you my highest recommendation to open a new window in your lovely internet browser, type in the words www.explosionsinthesky.com, enter the site, go to "Albums", click on the album "The Earth is not a cold dead place," and play the mp3 there. You will not regret it no matter if your musical taste ranges from Bryan Adams to U2. And hey, your life may just be changed a little for the better. Anyway, enough for my shameless endorsement and my incoherent and rambling analogy of my life to a song. How ridiculous, right? I have digressed incredibly too far on this rant...]

Anyway, after an incredibly uneventful week filled with taking vitamins and bike rides and a blur of homework and class, the weekend rolled up in its usual style, bringing relaxation, its walls down, and its hours slow. And with it, rolled in Annie. She arrived Friday night and picked me up outside, we ran to get a some sustenance (of course) and made our way to rendezvous with two of my friends for a camping adventure. After only having to make one (or maybe two) u-turns, we found our way and the boys had the fire blazing and hot dogs ready to be cooked. Annie and I set up our tent and spent the rest of the evening just smoking cigars, eating oatmeal creme pies, relaying funny family anecdotes and wondering about our futures. Overall, the night was wonderful. Just great and everyone was just so endearing. However, I am lame and didn't bring my camera to record any of it. I am kicking myself over that now. Dangit.

After our return, I ventured to do some rock climbing with those same friends, went to Staunton with my sisters for a walk down memory lane at one of our favorite restaurants, and later that night crashed of sheer exhaustion. And today has primarily been spent "hitting the books." And I am feeling just so collegian. But I already miss Annie, and I hate that she has to come and have a great time, but inevitably leave. I mean you would think I would know that, and I do somewhere in the abyss of the back of my mind, but I never want it to happen. But what can ya do. Nothing.

Besides missing her and the rest of the Parker entourage, I am really missing my family across the great ocean. And I hate how blog writing seems to be attempting to replace emotions with syntax and grammar and lovely but shallow pictures. I just keep thinking, where is the emotion? How are they feeling? Were they in a good mood today? Has it been a rough week? What are they struggling with right now? What are their prayer requests? How are the kids? I see your events, but I can't see your dispositions, or your pains, or your hearts. All this coming from the girl who is usually self-proclaimed "Out of sight, Out of mind" centered. And I know I am terrible at writing emails or making phone calls or making any initiative whatsoever, but thats such a horrible indicator for how I feel in this case. It doesn't mean you are far from my thoughts. Ya'll actually got past that wall for most people, the wall that says that if I am not around you, I don't really think about you. Gosh, I do miss ya'll. More than I wish I did. Because, well, it just sucks.

Hey, at least I have Lauren. And she is incredible. And I have a sister here. Not bad. I CANNOT complain and feel so selfish for doing so. I am blessed more than I know.

OH, and aren't my sisters beautiful? Yeah I think so too.

PS. if you have seen the cinemagraphic work of art "Friday Night Lights" you can now recognize the music. Explosions does the entire soundtrack. Neat, eh? I thought so too. It makes the movie pretty unforgettable.

Domesticity at its Finest

If you know me at all, you will know I tragically and wholly lack in almost all areas of domesticity and being maternal.I mean, to be honest, being a soccer mom is about the last thing I have on the list of things to accomplish during my lifetime. However, this changed for about an hour last saturday. It was quite funny actually. Some of our friends were in a soccer tournament so what did me and two of my girl friends do? We were the team moms and brought orange slices of course! Maybe it was the irony behind it for me that made it funny, but I had an enjoyable time.

The Daily Grind

This has become my second home. They should probably make me a bed up in the back. Its about a ten minute bike ride from my dorm and is the absolute perfect escape. Especially since the weather has been so lovely of late. It gives me a chance to get outside and get away. Its a real shame all my money (all meaning all approximately 30 dollars of it) is going to be wasted well on coffee. Oh well. So typical of me. I really didn't expect anything else of myself.
of

And here is my roommate and suitemate working hard. As you can probably guess I was not working. Big surprise eh? I think I was spending some quality time with Kierkegaard (And yes Phil, I "borrowed" this book from you in Prague, but now i think I officially stole it...I'm sorry and I will send it back to you when I am finished)

I've got your vulnerability right here.

So I won't lie to my readership, because, well, I feel that those of you who read this, know me pretty well and deserve to skip all the shallow and masked updates. That being said, adjustment back to school life has been somewhat of a challenge. Theres many things I love about being back here, but for all the good there seems to be even more struggle. This summer left me very broken, very vulnerable, very sensitive to pain. I'm really beginning to loathe being so openly a mess. I feel like its just common knowledge that I don't have anything together, that at times its almost laughable. I'm so governed by these uncontrollable emotions. And while feeling like this reminds me that I am alive, reminds me that I have no walls around my heart anymore, it still hurts.

I mean I miss the comfort of home, or even the comfort of Prague. I just feel like theres so much work associated with being in college. And I mean that in not even a school-work way, but work in relationships. In Richmond I feel like I can just BE. By the end, I felt it in Prague too. But I don't get that here. I think people would disagree and disagree and disagree with me on this, especially many of those within the christian community here, but its true at least for me and many people I know. You're never as funny as the next girl, you are never as intelligent as that other person, you are never as friendly as the hospitality team, and never as cool as the stylish, musically savvy kids. It inevitably leaves a sense of striving, trying to make your place, trying to find what it is about your identity that makes you an individual.

I hate this. Especially since I am probably the least proactive person who ever walked the earth, I don't do the whole "striving thing." I mean, I know who I am. I know I am a mess. I know I am Type B to the max. I know I have a mind that probably thinks a bit too much. I know I love my sisters and the outdoors and books and coffee and watching the Redskins and being adventurous and pushing the limits. I know I can easily be deeply hurt. I know I am not the most friendly person. I know that I am terribly cynical and at the same time widly idealistic. I know I lack in many warm, endearing qualities and I struggle constantly with pride. And I know I need to work on these things. I know all this, but where does this leave me? It still doesn't make me stand out. I doesn't make me think I have a stellar identity that will draw people to me. If it does anything it makes me think no one will want to be friends with me. But back to that whole not-striving aspect of my being, I just sit hoping that people will love me despite. And honestly, at home I feel that. Krista and Brennan and Annie and too many others know me so well that I don't even need to say anything to win them over. There's such a sense of warmth and love and deep knowledge of the other person, and respect and grace as a result. That is not here, with the exception of a few choice people who I love very very dearly. Other than them, there's only striving here.

But I am not as worried about myself. I get upset about the people around me who do actually strive and get no where. The people who don't have that comfort anywhere. The girls who I know who have found no one at this school who genuinely care for them. I am fine. I mean, I am tired of it but I am okay. There are those around me, who aren't. This frustrates me beyond words.

All this to say, I miss home. I miss Annie and HOPE and Kat and the Quinbys and Nicole and being at her kitchen island. But it doesn't mean I am pining away. I have had some great times so far. I spend numerous hours at the local coffee shop, watch a lot of gilmore girls, ride my bike all over the place with my pretend brother Jake, listen to U2, watch football games, and enjoy the beginning of fall.

So all that to say, adjusting to school has been trying. And many times, I wish I was just at home. But this is where I am supposed to be right now. Even if the reason behind it alludes me, I can trust there is purpose. But trusting and knowing doesn't necessarily make any of this easier. Especially when you fight with your closest friend and your computer crashes and your little sister is having a hard time and there's nothing you can do about it, and you fall in love with your professor who you can never have, and you just want to feel whole again.

Objectivity at last!

I think God has been showing Himself to me over the past few months in a new objective light. I don't know quite why, maybe because I cannot base the foundation of my faith on the ever shifting mess of my emotions. i need Him to exist and to be good and to be compassionate and to be gracious, all incarnate, regardless of my mood, or of how hurt i'm feeling or any happiness I am experiencing. It's like He's echoing over and over that it makes sense, that everything in creation screams of His name, and vividly displays His and only His handiwork, majesty, power, and creativity.

And for the past few years, basing my faith on being touched by Him was exactly what I needed. I needed to feel Him so personally, so outside of the religiousity of it all, or else I would lose it altogether. I needed the comfort and I needed the realization of the person of Christ. And I can look back at the broken uninhibited emotion during those times and find the face of Jesus.

But now I am being taught strength in the delicate balance of humility. I am seeing God as Being, regardless. Emerson said that only "if the stars appeared one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore; and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the city of God which had been shown! But every night come out these convoys of beauty, and light the universe with their admonishing smile." Isn't this much like how we look at the creation of the Lord's hand? Where is our rapture? If we just look around for a minute, won't we 'believe and adore'? It only takes a glance at the stars or the trees or the face of the person next to you to realize that everything on this earth is proclaiming that it all makes sense. That there's reason for the madness. That there is a divine plan and an ingenuous creator.

He is not just comfort for our transient emotions but He remains powerful and wonderful and majestic, and He just is...always. I need to know that. That's what a foundation should be. So anytime my emotions slip out of my control or the comfort is fleeting, I can lift my head and know that nothing has changed, and He is still sovereign.