and you give yourself away, and you give, and you give

Over the course of a few days, my wholly emotional, yet tragically fragile, self was drained completely dry. I was completely oblivious to the fact that I could feel so utterly empty. Like the ruptured wattle bottle that lost its identity as its water swiftly flowed to the ground. All I am used to, all that I know myself for, all of my messy, emotional self, fled me with every harsh word spoken, every pain-bearing comment muttered, every tear shed. I feel so dead.

A funeral, for God-sakes, a funeral....and I laughed. Not a tinge of sadness or compassion. What has happened?

Usually there's an uplifting ending to the story, a "I will be happily ever after." But not this time. There is nothing, still. Usually there is a "God met me in this broken place." Today that is a lie. The words cannot leave my lips without thinking, "No, no, thats not true. I feel incredibly alone. I feel Him no where. I feel no life."

I am searching for You in the rubble, and in the war, and in the struggle, and I am not finding any trace of You. Where are You? You are supposed to never leave me. You were supposed to give me yourself, YOU. YOU were supposed to breathe in me, restore me. Please come. Please.

I have never felt so much like a stranger to myself.